Who Am I-Really?

When we start healing from trauma, we often discover that many of the ways we behave aren’t just “personality traits” — they’re survival strategies.

Qualities we once thought defined us — being the nice one, the responsible one, the overachiever — are, in many cases, defense mechanisms we learned as children.

Take people-pleasing for example. It can look like being kind and caring, but for many of us, it was a skill we learned early on to keep caregivers from disapproving or withdrawing.

Another example is hypervigilance. It’s easy to think of yourself as just a “nervous” person, but really, it’s a brilliant strategy your brain came up with to detect danger and stay safe — physically, emotionally, or verbally.

As children, we are completely dependent on our caregivers for survival. Rejection, shame, or disconnection from them can feel like life or death — because in a way, it is. If a child is rejected by their caregiver, they can’t survive on their own. So they adapt. They contort, shrink, and silence themselves to keep the peace. They learn to detect the smallest shift in tone or mood to avoid punishment, disappointment, or abandonment.

It’s genius, really — the way the brain finds creative ways to survive.

Here are some of the most common survival strategies we carry into adulthood:

• People-pleasing – molding yourself to others’ expectations to avoid conflict or rejection

• Perfectionism – trying to control outcomes by getting everything “just right”

• Overachieving/overworking – staying busy to avoid feeling vulnerable or unworthy

• Hyper-independence – refusing help because dependence once felt unsafe

• Fawning – excessively accommodating others to keep peace

• Avoidance/withdrawal – pulling away from connection when it feels threatening

• Numbing behaviors – food, alcohol, screens, shopping, scrolling, gaming

• Overthinking/rumination – mentally rehearsing scenarios to feel more prepared

• Caretaking – prioritizing others’ needs over your own to feel valued

• Minimizing feelings – telling yourself “it wasn’t that bad” just to stay functional

• Dissociation/daydreaming – mentally leaving the moment when it feels overwhelming

• Control-seeking – trying to manage people or situations to prevent harm

• Aggression/anger outbursts – using intensity to create a sense of power or safety

• Over-explaining/apologizing – trying to keep others from being upset with you

If you see yourself in this list, you are not broken — you are adaptive.

But here’s the thing: these patterns often grow legs and walk right into codependency. And while they once kept us safe, they can hold us back from living fully as adults.

The good news? These patterns can change.
The hard news? You might not know yourself as well as you think you do.

Challenging these defense mechanisms can turn your world upside down. You might discover that the anger you’ve always carried is covering a deep well of grief. You might find that your “I’m fine” mask hides profound sadness or loneliness.

This work is not for the faint of heart. It takes a brave — and sometimes desperate — soul to dive into that ocean.

My personal opinion?
It’s terrifying. It’s messy. And yes, it’s painful.

My professional opinion?
It’s also worth it.

Healing asks us to choose:
The pain of staying stuck in the familiar,
or
The pain of facing what hurts, changing the pattern, and becoming who we really are.

Neither path is easy. But one leads to freedom.

Therapy is where we begin this work — naming patterns, challenging them, and slowly transforming them. And in the process, you meet yourself. The real you. The one underneath all the defenses.

This is the work I am passionate about.

For those who are ready, therapy intensives allow us to go deeper without the start-and-stop of weekly sessions. With focused, extended time, real change can happen in a shorter span — change you can feel in your bones.

A Gentle Invitation

Take a moment today and sit quietly with this question:

“Which of my patterns might be a younger version of me still trying to stay safe?”

You might be surprised by what comes up. Notice with curiosity, not judgment. Awareness is the first step toward freedom.

And when you’re ready, this work doesn’t have to be done alone.

Here when you're ready,

Eva